So this is Modern Church (28 views) Subscribe   
  From:  David (DavidABrown)    Feb-3 8:23 am  
To:  ALL   (1 of 4)  
 
  790.1  
 
From The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC
Bryan Hupperts
Feb 3, 2004

SheepTrax is an ezine of humor, insight, and Christian teaching featuring the wit, wisdom and deepthinking of Bryan Hupperts. Bryan is the author of numerous newspaper and magazine articles, as well as the book, A Ravens Gift. Click to order: http://www.sheeptrax.com/html/sheepstore.html Please forward this message! 
--------------------------------------------------------------- 
February 3 2004 
From The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC 


Dear Prospective Church Planter, 

Our advertising agency has helped many a church planter do mighty things for God. However, we take a bit of a different twist. Sure, you can do the traditional Christian thing, for God or perhaps there is a better way? 

Face it, the Bible can be limiting. All those Thou Shalts and Thou Shalt Nots are pass at best. You need a new approach, a new message, a message that will bring em through the doors right to your offering plate. You need the skilled spiritual services of The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC. 

The good news is that the average church goeris pretty illiterate concerning the actual teachings of the Bible. Weve discovered that it is best to use Biblical terminology and then just attach your own meaning to those terms. Its been working for other groups and we can make it work for you! 

For instance, tell your followers, You are saved by grace. Sounds Biblical, right? Then begin building the vague idea that they are then kept by works. NEVER give an absolute plan for earning or keeping Gods favor. Sooner or later some lunatic zealot will find a way to actually keep your rules, and then you will have a marketing mess on your hands. Better to speak in vague terms and keep them guessing. 

A Brand Loyalty campaign is important. Dont overtly slam the competition. Instead, begin working towards creating an Us vs. Them mentality. Once an initiatiant begins thinking in these black and white terms, hes bought in to your vision. His time, energy, and money are youre for the harvesting. Just make sure you have testimonials from people who "honestly" tried Church X but then chose your elite group. Your market share percentage hangs on this principle. 

You need an exclusive. Can you, say, turn God into a cookie and fermented drink? Or perhaps you can advertise membership into the exclusive priesthood kind of like the Sams Wholesale Club. You have to pay to get in but once a member, youre in an exclusive group with secret benefits. 

The true function of church marketing is to put warm bodies in chairs and pews and keep them coming back for more. Keep them enamored with sweets things like love and mercy. AVOID divisive terms like Truth, Sin, and Repentance! These terms are the death kiss of all successful church marketing. Focus on the positive sounding only. 

If you really go for the exotic, try promising eventual godhood. Earn enough points for good works, and viola, you get to be a god! Hey, it worked on the devil himself, it works for Mormons, and it can work for you! Promise to cure their ills, solve their problems, make them beautiful. Promise anything to get them through the door. Once they have given you authority over their souls, they will usually drop their own ideas in favor of yours PROVIDED you look like the spiritual expert. And thats where you need us. 

The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC specializes in extreme makeovers, especially along doctrinal and presentation lines. Get out of the Truth business and get into the spiritual entertainment business! Forget that shepherd the soul nonsense and become a personal success coach! Make God their servant and they will pad your bottom line. 

You cant be so obvious as to hang up a Salvation For Sign. You need a strategy. Let Jesus be their friend, personal guru, main man, or even a prophet. It doesnt really matter. What is CRITICAL is to keep that Lord stuff out of the equation or your hard earned souls may begin to direct their loyalties to him and then youre out of business. Use God to draw the crowds, but explain him in terms of faith formulas, universal powers, that sort of thing. Keep him looking like a kindly grandfather who wouldnt judge a hungry fly on a dunghill! 

The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC can even help you begin the lucrative business of church franchises. Even among the boringly orthodox, this is still a big money maker. We can show you how. 

Ask yourself; do you want 40 years of ceaseless self-sacrifice often with little to show for your hard efforts, or do you want Spiritual Success NOW? Give The Ad Firm of Quivering, Flesh & Vanity, LLC a call now! Operators are standing by. 

Were in the money. Are you? 


Bryan Hupperts  2004 
SheepTrax Media  
PO Box 270256 
St. Louis, MO 63127 USA 
deepsheep@sheeptrax.com 
www.SheepTrax.com 
http://www.sheeptrax.injesus.com 


Legal Stuff: Copyright  2004 Bryan Hupperts. Permission to distribute this material via email, or individual copies, is automatically granted on the condition it will be used for non-commercial purposes and will not be sold. 



David A. Brown
Basic Christian: Forum
www.BasicChristian.org




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited 2/3/2004 3:42:24 PM ET by David (DAVIDABROWN) 
  
   Options  Reply Delete Edit   
Rate 
  
    
 


  From:  Christ, our Hope (amym38)     Feb-3 12:35 pm  
To:  David (DavidABrown)    (2 of 4)  
 
  790.2 in reply to 790.1  
 
[Hi David.  For some reason, those links are bad.  ]  

About the post......he hit on some good points, for sure.   

 
 
 

 
  
   Options  Reply Delete Edit   
Rate 
  
    
 


  From:  David (DavidABrown)    Feb-3 12:46 pm  
To:  Christ, our Hope (amym38)    (3 of 4)  
 
  790.3 in reply to 790.2  
 
Hi Amy,

 

Thanks!

 

I corrected the links. It looks like because I copied it from email that extra characters were inserted into the addresses. Ill try to keep it in mind for future posting as well.

 

Yeah, it's a good new perspective and way to look at the Church.

 

God Bless you Always,
David

 



David A. Brown
Basic Christian: Forum
www.BasicChristian.org

 
  
   Options  Reply Delete Edit   
Rate 
  
    
 


   From:  Christ, our Hope (amym38)     Feb-3 2:21 pm  
To:  David (DavidABrown)    (4 of 4)  
 
  790.4 in reply to 790.3  
 
Oh, good!  :)   I wanted to see more of that site.  Thanks!

 
 
 

 
  
   Options  Reply Delete Edit  
 
